Tag: timetoboldlygo

timetoboldlygo:

bodhi rook week day 2: anxiety! i just uh . i just did things idk

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The first time Bodhi put his hands back on a ship, it was
just to do repairs. That didn’t matter, because they were shaking. They shake
as he smooths a hand over the nose, they shake as he tries to pull apart the
steering column to fix a wiring issue, and most dangerously, they shake as he
tries to fix the wiring issue. He struggles with it for the better part of an
hour and manages to burn a small bit of skin right above his wrist, where his
gloves don’t quite reach, before he gives up.

This never used to be a problem.

His hands don’t shake if he takes a shift in the mess hall
serving food and they don’t shake when he’s in the garden with Baze and Chirrut
trying to meditate. He’s fine if he’s playing a game of sabacc with Cassian and
Jyn, which is good because he has a reputation to uphold.

They shake when he’s trying to go to sleep. They shake if he
thinks people have been looking at him too long, even if he knows they haven’t,
even he knows they’re only looking at him because they want the next serving of
their meal.

Chirrut has a habit of folding his hands over Bodhi’s when
they start to shake, which Bodhi likes. Jyn will usually make faces at him and
stick out her tongue, which is so surprising on Jyn’s face that it makes Bodhi
laugh and forgot and then his hands stop shaking. Cassian would tell bad jokes,
and throw his arm around Bodhi’s shoulder. K2 isn’t good at comfort much, but
Bodhi appreciates that.

He tries to reason with his hands, sometimes: “It’s just a
ship,” he’ll whisper. “You’ve been flying ships for forever.” His hands will be
above him, working on wiring, and enough mechanics and pilots talk to their
ship that no one gives him a second glance. This is an old clunker that no one
will be flying anyways, it was just for him to work on while he was recovering.
His left leg is still aching whenever he walks, and he thinks it will probably
twinge forever, even though the doctors say he should have a total recovery.
But his hands haven’t recovered so why should his legs.

So he whispers to his hands, “It’s just a ship” and “We need
to do our part” and “please” but they really have a mind of their own. “Please,”
he says, one last time. His leg is aching more than usual, because he had to go
to physical therapy, but he’s full, because he was just at the mess hall with
Cassian and Baze. “Please, you love to fly.”

He’s probably not the only mechanic or pilot who’s cried
while under a ship trying to fix her, but that fact doesn’t make it any less embarrassing.
No one mentions it, but at least a few people around him have to have heard.
Even if he is quiet, and he’s not sure he is, the warehouse echoes a little
bit.

Even more embarrassing is the fact that the next two times
he tries to fix this ship, he cries again.
He misses flying but no one wants to a pilot with unsteady hands and Bodhi used
to have the steadiest hands around; even when he was scared or upset or crying,
he never faltered. He misses flying and he misses having something to do and a
routine and he misses his sister.

He misses Jedha.

The fourth time he’s crying under this rusty cargo ship, because
he’s apparently incapable of doing te proper thing and crying in his room, Luke
Skywalker (the Luke Skywalker!) slides
in next to him.

“Hey,” Luke says, casual as can be. He probably has a
million things to do, or maybe he doesn’t, who knows what the hotshot pilot of
the Rebellion does on his off time, but he’s here, under a rust bucket in the farthest
back corner.

“Hi,” Bodhi says, then he hiccups.

Luke pointedly doesn’t look at him. “It’s bad, huh,” he says.
He folds his arms behind his head, even though there isn’t a ton of room. As
is, they’re lying side by side. “I miss Tatooine.”

Bodhi takes in a big gulping breath and let the wrench rest
on his chest, giving his hands a break. “You’re from Tatooine?” He didn’t know
that. It was odd to find a similarity here, two boys from desert planets. They
must both find the rain so strange and unpredictable.

Luke sighs. “Yeah, and I couldn’t wait to get off it,” he says.
“Now I miss everything. The sand. I miss the kriffin’ sand.”

This Bodhi understood. “My mom used to scold me from tracking
it in,” he says. It always managed to coat him and stick to him, although most
of the whole front room had sand on the ground. “I miss that.”

Luke nods. “I’m sorry about Jedha.”

“I’m sorry about Tattooine, too,” Bodhi says, because even
if Tattooine is still a planet, going back is impossible. Luke’s had it cut out
from his heart the way Jedha has been carved out of Bodhi’s flesh, leaving only
the gaping memory of what used to be. Neither of them can go home.

Luke reaches over and put a hand over Bodhi’s. “Don’t let it
take more from you,” he says, and it’s so soft. No one has been soft like this,
everyone has told him to keep going because of anger, revenge, spite, but Luke
seems to want it for Bodhi’s sake and Bodhi’s along. “They can’t have more.” He
gives Bodhi’s hand a clumsy pat then made to slither out from under the

“And,” he adds, ducking down on all fours to peer under the
belly of the ship. He looks ridiculous, and Bodhi smiled. “I want you on my
squadron, Bodhi.”

“Oh!” Bodhi says, “No, I couldn’t!”

“You named it,” Luke says, grinning. He looks like a boy. “You
should be part of it!”

“I – no.”

“We’re waiting,” Luke says, then he stands up and his boots
disappear.

Bodhi reaches back up to the wiring of the ship. He breathes
in deep – he used to be so much better at putting aside everything. He used to
be able to fly no matter what fears. He wants that again. So he breathes deep
and thinks about Luke’s faith and Cassian and Jyn and Baze and Chirrut, the entirety
of the friends he’s made at the rebellion.

His hands are steadier this time. They still aren’t
perfectly still but they get the job done.